Lessons Of Forgiveness
The Forgiver (Part 1)
It has been commonly said that forgiveness is for the forgiver and not for the offender. But, what if forgiveness was for both the forgiver and the offender.
Many people over the years have struggled with this notion of forgiveness. It brings on so many additional feelings and issues that most times people never knew existed. Forgiveness correlates with humility, love and compassion. While unforgiveness, usually stems from pride, malice and hurt.
Often times our human instinct gravitates towards being unforgiving. We naturally in our mind like to justify why we should not forgive our offender. We tell ourselves . . .
“ I can’t believe he would do that to me. I’m not going to give him another chance, he deserves to suffer.”
Or . . .
“She’s such a liar, I will never talk to her again.”
Or even . . .
“I don’t trust those type of people, their always so judgmental and think they know it all.”
Constantly issues arise, either from a broken childhood that festers into adulthood, or unfortunate circumstances that were out of our control. Whichever way these attitudes develop, it leaves a bitter taste in the mouth of the one who is hurting. They than pass on that same attitude towards the one who crosses them wrongfully. I like the saying a friend once told me.
“Hurt People, Hurt People”
In my mind at the time, I knew it had to be some sort of deep meaning, but I thought it made no sense. As a few years passed by and after experiencing my share of hurt and unforgiveness, it finally clicked!
It finally made sense as to why majority of us are so broken and continue on with this cycle of unforgiveness. We have been slowly conditioning ourselves to think that it’s okay to be angry at someone who has done the “unforgivable.” We have been brought up to bash and slander the characters of our offenders rather than, lovingly point out what they’ve done wrong to hurt us and encourage them to do better.
I know for me personally, I grew up believing if someone hurts you, you either bring them down mentally or physically (I definitely was not about that life…lol). Either way giving someone “A piece of my mind” was my moto. But did it change things? Absolutely not! In fact it made things even worse. You would think by telling someone off and blocking their number would solve things but it didn’t (At least for me it didn’t). What I did not realize was that not only did I hurt a soul but I was hurting myself.
“I was Hurting People, because I was a Hurting Person”
Now how can I fix this mentality? How can I reverse what I thought was the right way of handling these types of situations?
Simple . . .
By God’s way of Forgiveness
- Ask for the “Spirit of Forgiveness”
- Pray for guidance (in what you should say, how you should present the situation, etc) Psalm 32:8
- Speak directly to the person who offended you. (Not to their best friend, not to their family member and not to anyone other than the offender). If the person chooses not to speak with you for whatever reason include 2 or 3 (unbias and wise) persons. The reasoning behind this is for a witness to establish every word being said. Matthew 18:15-17
Now it may be hard to actually face the offender whether it may be (in person, via text, or over the phone, etc) but swallow your pride and face the situation head on. Most importantly pray before speaking to the person and ask God to take away all fear, anger, pain and hurt. Hard conversations are needed to get through in life. Having these difficult conversations refines your character to become a better individual. There’s something about having faced a milestone and the tension or pressure that was once resting on your shoulder is no longer there. You feel a sense of relief and peace.
It’s so very important to do check ins with that person (not bringing up the offense) but checking in to see how they are doing. Especially, if this is a relative or a close friend. Restoring that relationship takes effort and time. Although you may have forgiven the person, the person may be feeling ashamed or may want to naturally distance themselves from you. But as Christians it is our duty to show Christ’s character of love.
{Galatians 6:1} Forgive to help the other person, so that they may do the same for someone else in a loving way. However, be mindful of how you respond, because you may put yourself to be tempted and fall (giving off a bad example of true forgiveness). Meaning. Do not prejudge someone if the person’s apology doesn’t appear to be “genuine” for you or you just feel the person is “lying”. Don’t assume. Assumptions are preconceived off of our emotions at the time and bias based on the present situation. And, Please! Don’t accept the apology and gossip behind the person’s back (you’ll just dig yourself in a deeper whole). Either tell them again how you feel or leave it in the hands of God because He is the judge, not us.
Just keep in mind {Ephesians 4:32}. How we exemplify forgiveness to others leaves a lasting impression on the person’s soul for good or bad.
Don’t let the next time you forgive someone it’s on their sick bed or their funeral. Forgive that person today, and be that person who makes a difference in our world.
Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed.
James 5:16